by Tedd Tripp
 
I had a conversation one night with one of my sons.  It was near
bedtime.  I stopped in his room for a few minutes.  I was not unkind in
any way; I said what I thought needed to be said; he listened
politely.  "Well," I said, after finishing my speech, "I am glad we had a
chance to talk."  I prayed with him and went to bed.
 
A few minutes later there was a knock at our bedroom door.
"Dad, are you guys still awake?"
"Yeah, come on in, what's up?"
"Well, Dad, I just wanted to say that when you left my room you said,
'I'm glad we had this chance to talk' and I just wanted to say that I
didn't say anything."

"Oh, I see, I had a good talk, you had a good listen, right?"
"Yeah, sort of."
"If you had been given a chance to talk, what would you have said?"
"Oh, I don't know, I just wanted to say that I didn't say anything."
 

Now, there is some text crawling across the bottom of the screen of life
here isn't there?  The subtext is, "If you really want to know me, you're
going to have to work harder than that, Dad, I am not going to be that easy."
 
Most of us think of communication as our ability to express our ideas with
words.  Margy and I would like to suggest that the finest art of communication is not the ability to express your ideas; it is the ability to understand the ideas of the other person.  The book of Proverbs speaks to this issue with great insight:
 
"A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own
 opinions." (Proverbs 18:2 NIV).  I was a fool that night with my son.  I
 could have said everything I had to say in the context of asking
 questions.  I could have made him feel known and understood.  But I was a
 fool.  All I could think about was what I had to say.  I was so focused on
 getting the load off my chest that I did not take the time to draw him
 out.  If I had sought to understand him, I could have spoken to him with
 greater clarity and insight.
 
Proverbs 18:13 (NIV) has similar words. "He who answers before listening--
that is his folly and his shame."  How many times have I answered before
listening?  I could anticipate what my son or daughter was going to say; I
lacked the patience to allow them to say it.  I simply gave them my
reply.  Solomon says communicating like that is the height of folly and shame.
 
I can guarantee you that your son or daughter never leaves such an

encounter thankful to have a mom or dad who is a mind reader! 

They just leave feeling like that they can't even gain a hearing with you.  They
walk away wondering why they bother to try to communicate. They feel
stifled and frustrated.

In Proverbs 20:5, there is a wonderful description of the goal of biblical
communication, "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man
of understanding draws them out."  This is what you must do in
communication with your children; be a person of understand that can draw
out the deep waters.

Learn to ask good questions, qualitative questions not just quantitative
questions. Ask questions that cannot be answered, "Yes" or "No."  Train
yourself to listen. Listen not only to what is being said, but also to
what is not being said.  Follow up even short answers with new
questions.  Let your child know that you delight in understanding them,
not just in airing your own opinion.
 
Margy has recently been counseling a young teen aged girl.  When Margy
gives her some things to think about and respond to in writing, she
returns the next week with page after page of deep, insightful
observations about herself, her family and the challenges of knowing
God.  There are deep waters in this young teenager.  (We are working with
her parents to increase their skills in drawing her out).
 
The incarnation of Jesus Christ is a beautiful illustration of this kind
of communication.  Think about what God did in the incarnation.  He
entered into your world.  He could have stayed off in heaven and shouted
instructions to us.  He could have spoken to us through a thick cloud,
lightning and thunder as He spoke to Israel in Exodus chapter nineteen.
But what did he do?  He came to earth. He took on flesh like yours and
mine.  He had a human psychology. Without ever sinning, He entered into
all the experiences of life on this fallen planet. We find him tired and
hungry at Jacob's well in John chapter four.  He apparently is also
thirsty, for he asks the first person who comes along for a drink.  He
weeps at Lazarus' tomb.  He fully entered our world.  He can look at the
world through our eyes.
 
Hebrews 2 makes it clear that his capacity to help us in our troubles is
tied to his experience of those same troubles. (Heb 2:18 NIV) "Because he
himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are
being tempted."  There is something in the experience of living as a man
in this fallen world and being subject to temptation that enables Jesus to
help us when we are tempted.
 
Jesus can look at the world through your eyes. He intimately knows your
struggles and the struggles of your children.  He became a man so that he
could understand life in our world and help us in our times of temptation.
 
Isn't that the triumphant note of Hebrews chapter four? "Therefore, since
we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the
Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have
a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have
one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without
sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we
may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of
need."  (Hebrews 4:14-16 NIV).
 
I would have to acknowledge to my shame that sometimes my children have
had a Dad who was unable to sympathize with their weaknesses.
 
What Jesus did for you and me is what we must do for our children.  We
must enter into their world and delight in understanding them. Have you
ever had the experience of being with someone who was genuinely interested
in knowing you?  Do you remember what it is like to sense that your
thoughts and ideas matter to someone?  If you have ever had such an
experience you will remember that you delighted in that conversation.

If you want to be able to communicate with clarity, if you want to
shepherd the hearts of your children, you must be able to see things as
they see them.  When you understand your children that thoroughly, you
will be able to speak truth to them in ways that are both compelling and
gracious.